Caution: Turkey May cause Drowsiness, Coma or Death
June 22, 2008 – 5:25 pmCaution: Turkey May cause Drowsiness, Coma or Death
“What’s for dinner?” is the question I hate answering sometimes at the drug rehab where I cook. People’s comments and reactions are predictable after twenty years of professional cooking.
“Oh, we’re having turkey-it’s going to make everyone sleepy.”
I was very concerned when I first heard about the dangers of turkey eating because I personally had consumed so much in my lifetime. Luckily, I did not experience the drowsiness or coma problem but strangely I did suffer from becoming very lean, hard and muscular.
I have noticed that turkey does not have a warning label so I will warn you.
Use extreme caution when eating turkey! Do not combine with alcohol and use caution when driving motor vehicles or operating heavy machinery.
There is a way to eat turkey safely. You need only have processed deli turkey on bread and call it a “sandwich”. Apparently, this helps negate the drowsiness side effect.
I am a turkey warrior.
“You still haven’t gotten a turkey yet?” my friend asked. We have been on many turkey hunts together. He has shot many turkeys while I have gone home cold, tired and turkeyless.
The wild turkey is an especially vile fowl I have hunted unsuccessfully for many years. Gobbling, scratching at me and laughing with their tryptophan running high, flying away unscathed every time while I unload a volley of lead shot at close range.
“The turkeys are too smart for you dad.” My daughter said once in an amused tone.
Perhaps the wild turkeys know me and heard about my lifetime of murdering their domestic white feathered cousins. Many, Many turkeys have been sent to their death in ovens by the All-American Lifetime Chef Ian Kelley. The Godfather of Fowl. The Master of Mashed Potatoes and Gravy. The Captain of Cranberry Sauce. I have spilled more turkey than most people have cooked.
Thanksgiving and Christmas are the only appropriate day’s to eat the deadly fowl. Often I will serve Turkey Dinners on unapproved days because of my lust for revenge on the evil beaked birds.
“ I didn’t know it was Thanksgiving.” Is the usual response I get from concerned customers. Apparently this is the one day when most Americans throw caution to the wind and eat the deadly poultry.
People please.
What the heck is wrong with turkey? Only the very ignorant would eat turkey only once a year.
If I hear this one more time:
“Oh My! The turkey will make me sleepy.”
My silent rage may explode into something like this:
Yes, you moron it will knock you right out. It may even put you in a coma or kill you so you better be careful. In fact it probably would be safer to smoke some marijuana, drink some alcohol, or take some opiates. Surely that won’t make you sleepy. But Turkey should be eaten very sparingly so as to not be put into a coma-like trance, or perhaps you should only eat it on Thanksgiving, this is the day when you are allowed to eat it safely. I am sure that it’s not overeating that makes people sleepy. Not the three scoops of mashed potatoes, the four slices of pumpkin pie. No it is definitely the turkey that is the culprit.
Let’s put the sleepy turkey myth to bed and enjoy some delicious turkey today. Your body will thank you for it.
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